dealing with financially irresponsible family members

procrastination. I would probably help bail my parents out as much as is financially responsible. Giving birth does not make you a true parent. Since November 2018 now WE (my hubs and I) have been supporting every want, need, and desire!! Grandparents were wonderful saved money, did well. Their destiny, their choice, not your problem. Goodie for you Tim. Although family members are among the most common financial abusers to the elderly population, they are not the only ones. First of all, dont loan money to family members. I had to move out because i couldnt take it anymore. And any mention of this, was compelte betrayal.Of course things didnt work out as they hoped and now my dad is sick with Lewey Body and my mom is taking care of him. God bless you. Raised myself basically. So While everyone I knew was going to school and enjoying themselves, I paid the bills and pulled double shifts to earn enough money while she focused on whatever it is that she did instead of actually being useful or productive. What to Do With a Financially Irresponsible Beneficiary Ever since i started working at the age of 16 my parents asked me to give tmhem money and i always thought it was the correct thing to do because i was raised in a really poor family and i couldnt enjoy or have any luxuries because my parents always needed money week after week so i always helped them. habitual lateness. Get out of debt, build some savings and take care of kids. Gift cards arent the only form of non-cash assistance. she says I am so selfish and brings god into it bc I dont just keep trying to take care of her. As for what people should do in the way of support, it is entirely up to them as to what they want to do and how much help they provide. My grandparents on both sides were very financially responsible and my parents never had to even consider paying for a nursing home, household bills, medication etc. And as some here have noted, many parents make foolish and irresponsible decisions that the children have no legal say in determining. I absolutely abhor that they dont live within their means (or at least they didnt use to). Dont. My Dad just drives around buying useless stuff and doesnt even take out the items out of their boxes. If you had spent it foolishly, you wouldnt have that money. Explain that while she has her whole adult life to save for retirement, you are getting close to the end of your working years paying her way isnt sustainable in the long term. Financial aid to relatives needs to come with some serious strings attached, and if his mother is unwilling to accept those strings, she must not need the help. Meanwhile, I have been working hard and saving diligently so I can retire safely someday. This pisses me off to no end.. :(. really. Favoritism hurts. And if we need help, why should pride stop us from asking? If a parent is so selfish to raise their children by depriving them of financial sustainability and neglecting parenting to live their lives. Gambling Addiction and Problem Gambling - HelpGuide.org To overcome your gambling problems, you'll also need to address these and any other underlying causes as well. I think my first post sounded as if they may not care, untrue. If your comment is directed to Kim..its not even her mother, its her mother in law. I recommend giving your children a cut-off date. Go earn more than disability would get them or learn to live on what disability gives them. Tell that woman to get her G.E.D. And, spending more than you make is a recipe for disaster as is having friends and family members who are willing to bail you out, over and over again. of her debts. 8 Ways to Help Family Members in Financial Trouble - Investopedia Not promising that it will go over well though =). All this to say that they are officially broke. Weve worked hard to get where we are, and I admit I wont be happy if either side shows up with their hand out. Plan to pay for yourself in retirement or get someone to push your ice flow out to sea, but to expect your adult children to ruin their lives or their own childrens lives because of your extreme selfishness is not reasonable. And, as a relevant comment, I would absolutely NOT support my parent that has made VERY poor financial decision his entire life, yet somehow still found a way to belittle my success. Its funny how most of the people who are shocked anyone would even consider not helping have responsible or hard working parents. You can rebuild the relationship to a healthier level with boundaries once she is out of your house. Get real and look at the big pic. I am sadly already in this situation. Parents may have strong opinions on how their children handle finances. I have no choice but to help her because If I say no I would feel so bad. Undermine their involvement - Sometimes the best defense is a smashing offense! So my mother-in-law is notoriously bad with her personal finances. A drastically different view about spending can be something that becomes a major problem in marriage as youre combining your financial lives together (whether you keep accounts separate or not), and drastically different levels of financial responsibility is going to result in some issues down the road. My wife and I are finished with this crap. I was knee deep in launching the business doing most of the sales work and everything else so I didnt discover this until much later. Tips for Adult Children Caring for Financially Irresponsible Elderly Short answer: I will make them work for it. My mother wont let me visit my father I was carrying for him than I stopped paying their bills cause I found out that my niece is taking all his money and gambling and someone called the state and my mom thinks I did HELP text to 609-816-1379. My son lectured me (when did I get to *that* age!) After pulling himself out of his own financial crisis, he founded the site in late 2006 to help others through financially difficult situations; today the site has become a finance, insurance, and retirement resource. This has to change. I hope my son helps me. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. Ive given money to friends and family, knowing that it would never be paid back (and sometimes hoping that it would, only to be disappointed). The point about the car is that weve been telling her for the past three years to put money away because every time you turn around that car is breaking down. When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships You may even go further and help them by cohabitating. All the other family members and friends refuse to help him, I only help him by storing his stuff and take him to lunch and breakfast, etc. They live in a bazillion-square-foot McMansion, and they drive matching luxury cars that they seem to replace every year or so. His lack of self-esteem prevents him from finding work that is not so hard on his body. I love my father, I just want him to be able to enjoy his last days , but he is headstrong and stubborn. So I guess Im just forced to take care of my parents forever?! Invite them over for dinner. I also had no idea his father would be losing his job completely. They are the selfish generation. Fact is, we would have inherited his debt. Thankfully their time is coming to an end. One of those e-mails was from Dave, who wrote with his own ethical dilemma. My father had gone through a series of sinecures, but had never done anything with them, and he hopped from one opportunity to another and never became successful himself at anything. He did not. I will do it. Shes 1,400 behind. The Narcissist and Money Control Here's his story: I read your site though I no longer need it. At 16, I was buying my own clothes and lunch at school. Its still 2 years away so hopefully things will change by then. Direct bequests or distributions to a financially irresponsible beneficiary provides no protection for those assets. Your message made me laugh so hard! She is NOT helping herself, she is making things worse. To keep a long story short, until I addressed this with him, he was just handing over whatever they asked for without question and Im not talking about chump change. The trustee could also be the attorney who drafted the trust or a financial institution like a bank. He refuses to work even though hes perfectly capable of working. also i have seen many illegal alien females who support themselves and their kids with out any problems they have regular jobs they just get paid cash.. so today after so many times my parents have asked for money i finally said no and i dont feel guilty actually i feel anger because they have been so lazy for so long asking for money from me and my 4 other siblings wich they will never pay back i spoke to them about my bills and my family and my needs its not my fault they were lazy for so many years and they have to find another source of income because since i can remember they have never moved a single muscle for the money they get its the either their kids or a disability check who pays their bills they need to get off their ass and make some money no fukin excuses . This is much easier for me to say than for you to do because what it really means is, clean up, contribute, comply or get out. Parents dont want to be controlled by their children um yeah, ok, fair enough. Financially Ill-Prepared Parents - Wealthy Mom MD My Dad is self-employed but was never good at the business side of things, he mixed business with pleasure too much and got stabbed in the back from friends more times they you could count so lost a lot of money. You learned how to do things yourself and get what you want by earning them. They need to adjust their budget to live without that deposit into their checking account. The danger were talking about is when help becomes a habit. Your parents have helped, too. For sure, family is best when it supports and assists, but not when it enables. They are in so much debt, yet they bought an 800 motorbike yesterday then ask me for 35 today because my mum needs cigs. If that is going on n the mom n law HAS money n u begin 2 feel used by her, I can understand that. The first thought that came to my mind was I wonder what he finds great about what he experienced?. A not-for-profit credit counseling service (find one at the National Foundation for Credit Counselors, NFCC.org) is a great idea but she may need your steady hand to help organize her enough for an effective counseling session. They both work a paper route, my dad works an additional 2 jobs, and my mom works at a grocery store. To justify our selfish logic, we use the fact that a rare amount of people are lazy, when we are still accountable for helping those who are actually having problems. My husband and I are also trying to have a baby now. 2. I learned how to ski by doing a whole lot of falling down. I can understand abandoned children being angry. Hi there, Moreover, be willing to offer support in another way. I started working at 17 as my parents had run out of money so was fending for myself. Figure out carefully how much you can afford to give them and then plan for it. However, my mom thinks I should chi in and help with bills?! Just today a loan was requested, and Im terrified of opening that door. My Mum is a school teacher but doesnt earn very much, ever since I was little they always borrowed 10 here, 20 there from Birthday/Christmas money but in adulthood it has been in the thousands to help with mortgage, the business, bills etc. You have to be willing and able to talk about the subject and to do that without anger or personal attacks. If theyre willing to get help theres hope for their circumstances to improve. Q: I enjoyed Ilyces radio show for many years when she was on the air in Atlanta. For the last 24 years he has worked from home as a Freelance financial advertising consultant earning commissions, but this industry gets hit the worst during recessions so he has been unable to maintain a steady income, has no pension or life insurance. Its horrible. Its hard for those with responsible parents to imagine this scenario. Theres a proverb that says in times of test, family is best.. Man. Is the person willing to accept non-financial help such as transportation while a car is in the shop or dinners at your home that could help cut down on their food bills? Her last job was in 2000. live off it for a year then youll be right back where you started. Being a healthy, responsible, and emotionally available parent, on the other hand, actually takes more than the bare minimum of effort. People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. Based on life expectancy tables shes got another twenty years to live and amazingly shes less and less capable of supporting herself every day. They said that I didnt need this money, and that they would provide for me when I needed money. If this conversation is difficult or impossible, then thats another strong negative sign. My wife and I have never run around spending money for nothing.We bought these sons cars the first time,the wrecked them. They did not run out of money and had loving family members nearby to help them. ), no questions asked. (I paid a mortgage payment for my mother when I was 12, and she later stole my identity. We had paid things off for him to give him the opportunity to retire, but he goes out and finances a truck. Another strategy is to choose social events for yourself that are low-cost and try to meet people there. I just dont know how to help him. My wife cant stand the way she tries to get my (our) money. And then, a diagnosis of cancer by my husband who concurrently announced he had cancelled his health and life insurance before the diagnosis (2008 impact on construction field) has left me as a 64-year-old scrambling for enough money to pay the bills. Unfortunately my moms retirement plan has always been to use her kids as a checking account while also being ungrateful for it and even complaining that she only gets 1k a month with a paid off condo and complaining that she sometimes has to babysit (like maybe twice a month and theyre old enough to be left alone, just need an adult with a pulse around to make sure theyre not getting into trouble.). This is actually a big concern of mine because my parents are not really budget conscious. Hi Dave I read your post a couple of times on this busy day of mine. I grew up with just my mom who was very irresponsible with her finances and it took me until I was 30 to unlearn all the bad habits I was taught. 1. No. Heavens no. Another strategy is to intentionally spread out your lunches across a lot of dining companions. I am thankful to my parents who worked hard every day giving me the best of everything ( ,,from Mexico ),,,as they grew up here in the United States were taught nothing comes free .In this life . Perhaps if he was a good father, FIL or grandfather I would be conflicted, but sadly for him I am not. Say, I know what you want, and there is no need to pressure me or guilt me into giving you what you want.. Im 36 they are 56 and ive been lending them money constantly for 14 yrs, my brothers also do. 18. Both my parents are boomers, I am gen Xr . Good thinking! Its only going to get better from here! I dont like your assumption.All the while raising your generation parents have sacrificed a lot to give you guys more than we had.Your toys were more expensive,we paid thru the nose for electronics that only keep getting better year after year and everyone had to have the latest.The pension plans and unions, etc.died along the way with our parents generation keep that straight.There is no longer security in work,everyone is dispensable.Most parents dont want to live with their adult children because of the selfish, opinionated, callous people they have become.I say most,I am not generalizing here. My dad has worked HARD all of my life, mother would work only during the holidays and almost always quit the day after christmas. The resolution next moves to the Democratic-majority Senate. Tell your grandparents that theyd be hurting their grandkids if they do what theyre threatening to do. This is called compassion for fellow man. Those are things youll notice as you grow close. Dealing with Difficult Family Relationships - HelpGuide.org If theyre smart about things they can live pretty close to just that and only need a tiny little amount to get by (the odd $50 here and there) instead of what it sounds like fairly substantial amounts of money theyre asking of you. My FIL inherited about $900,000 in assets including about $400,000 in CASH 10 years ago. The key to a good marriage is good communication, and there are few issues that rely on good communication more than money issues. It is not fair to ask me to support my father when I have a family, one child in college and the other preparing to graduate high school. At the end of 2016 Im out. She has not been in my childrens lives as I have chosen to shield them from her driven tirades. If you are constantly dumping your feelings of shame, fear, or pain on them, they are unlikely to be supportive. Bring your lunch in some days and eat with people who stay in the office for lunch eating leftovers. So, she got a part time job at WALMART and promptly bought herself a Cadillac (what every Walmart cashier needs). They are living solely on my dads paycheck(which is low). And Im okay with that. and am funding my mothers retirement beyond her S.S. check which does not cover her basic housing-btw I paid for her current mobile home and the one she had before this one. This is sadly our situation now (my husband and I). Plus, the people Ive seen, dont ask others for food, but because we care for other people, respect their choice, we help them with food, water, and warm clothes. Wow, great topic. If youre determined to help, your sisters IRS debt isnt the most immediate issue shes facing with her home. I cant wrap my head around a man feeling that he has a sense of entitlement and that his child should aid him financially. And she is angry that my brother wont hive Her more money. Be conscious about how you speak to them. Hell make more money panhandling at Stop & Shop than he would at a real job, at least. All I can say is, is that there are going to be some major changes in the near future. youd have to be frickin nuts. If a friend is ridiculing your car that you bought out of an intentional strategy to save money, not only are you seeing a values difference, youre also seeing an abandonment of kindness between friends. It worries me what will become of her when she can no longer work. my folks have always been responsible. Back to the obligation question on a personal level. And manipulation involves control and coercion. When I was in high school I worked with many elderly people as a bag boy there is nothing wrong with that (Its the 30 year old working there that worries me). I also gained the experience of working with the credit agencies and credit cards to clear information from my report 5 years ago. I would hope that you would not expect an adult child to support an abusive parent as it is literally like abusing that child again. If you think your kids are going to be harmed emotionally or physically then dont accept her. Yet, really, if they were just going to die soon, none of this would be a problem except for paying for the funerals. I have a similar story. Ur situation is a bit more understandable. The solution is to find a compromise that works well for both of you. Our counselors often suggest that a husband or wife in a situation like yours needs to "precipitate a crisis." My brother, sister and I all made it threw college with financial aid, waiting tables, and other jobs that we could get our hands on. My mother retired in 2003 and my father in 2010. and dads drank carried on, and did generally selfish things . Dont lend money to family members or friends, ever. If she managed to acquire any credit cards here, theyd already be maxed out. If my parents attempt to pull this on me, I will make sure they do not live long enough to ruin my life. This is my money, I worked for it, Im just being kind to you and it is MY own personal choice to take care of you when I could have put you in one of those dreaded nursing homes. My parents are 62/63, healthy, have made good money but have never been financially responsible. I gave my mom the benefit of the doubt and applying compassion and duty, I moved her in and have taken care of her. This was definitely due to the medical leave. Is divorcing parents still a thing? My father left my mother when she had one kid in college and two in high school When my father left he decided he longer wanted to pay for the home that we all lived in, nor the car that my mother used to get to work and to get all of us kids to and from school, work and sports. Should You Hire a Family Member to be Your Listing Agent? You dont want to see them aimlessly walking around the neighborhood, begging for food and meds. If we can help, we should, right? It wasnt as bad as Ive heard recently, but Im sure theyve cracked down. I love them dearly but, they can set a camper up in my back yard and stay there if its that or homeless. The hard thing may be the best thing: move out, leave them to their own devices, and live your own life. They are housed. NO. nevermind family. I know I messed up and am thankful for the help. You need to get her out to protect your family. So, I dont really tell too many people. 13 Signs Your Husband Is Using You Financially 1. This article has been viewed 86,869 times. May your horrible parents burn eternally. And, if she doesnt, please reach out to her children and offer them some money lessons so their financial lives are more in control. I have attempted to intervene many times over the past 2 decades to help her write a budget and save her money, but she is completely unwilling to change. The saver of them knows what to do but it seems the spender always wins out. Prior to that, they had money and paid for things. she screwed over her kids so bad. My thoughts on paying your mothers bills when she can work? I recently had her visit for two months and took good care of her, showed her lots of love and affection, cooked for herbut felt rather abused by the end of it. Well, after all his money is gone, and she is gone as well he has the opportunity to live in a VA substidized home however he doesnt like living with the other VAs and he doesnt feel that he should waste his money and pay $500/per month to stay somewhere so instead he is going to CHOOSE to live homeless. I tried to talk some sense into my pop years ago but it never worked. First and foremost, the two key elements to any rough edge in a marriage are communication and compromise. I will NOT let them destroy what I have been able to build for myself. Theres enough ammo in the bible to shoot back at them if you want to do that. Don't get dragged down with them or involved in risky business and legal trouble, even if they are family. If you think its your childrens responsibility to take care of you, you must be. That seems quite a heartless reply to someone who has what is obvious to any thinking, feeling person a heartbreaking situation. And my frustration comes from seeing a complete disrespect for this support by not cutting unnecessary items, giving it away as gifts to save face, lack of creative problem solving when it came to accepting a job offer without ideal hours, spending on vacations, gambling it away, and more. If I can afford it, they will have their own place so they have their dignity and privacy and maybe pay for some paid leisure here and there. My father passed away 10 years ago, and my mom has now blown through the cash, and took out an interest only mortgage that she will no longer be able to afford in 3.5 years. she needs full time work but being too picky about where she works. Near the end of her run, she sold the pricey home, moved, and adopted a more modest lifestyle. Hes a violent criminal and did me no favors. The same rule applies when borrowing from a family member. Dont feel bad. Shes 83 now and just sold her house to live in Assisted Living. Until you are in the situation and everyones circumstances are different, you do not know what you will do. This world is just crazy. I see these kids pay for speeding tickets I am not amused .. Im hurt for my boyfriend .a situation has raised my concerns even more .. My boyfriend has a child he supports along with his parents in the same small town in Mexico and they cant even get the kid on the phone ( not the childs mothers fault .) You have to keep in mind I was forced into leaving home and working at age 16 because my home life was so miserable, it began to give me drug and alcohol abuse problems so I left worked ad have lived on my own since that time, and I am now 42, with 3 kids and married to the same wonderful wife. I dont consider myself obligated to my parents at all financially for that. At that time which was 20+ years ago his mother moved back home with her parents who took care of her every need from 1998 (her father died) till November 2018 when her mother at 98 passed away. Many,but not all young adults are greedy,self centered lazy. If you feel like all your life youve been neglected or you never got the thumbs up from your parents, suck it up. I have several siblings but at this stage in life, I feel like the financial responsibility will fall on my shoulders. Help them find an apartment if they want that help. They can find an entry-level job or two. When you dont use logic a whirlwind of negative emotions will follow.They can work well together but not when emotions trump logic. Theyve always provided me what I needed, and have never left me truly missing out. Once these are taken care of, he will receive a small stipend from what is left as long as I have it to give. I wont. There are also financially compromised beneficiaries. Simply going out with the expensive crowd isnt going to do much to secure your spot at work. I just cant wrap my mind on how a man who has not worked in the past 15 yrs thinks ??? I just wondered if anybody has experienced this type of person, because I have never seen anybody like this my life.